pet pigeons

A long time ago, i rented an apartment that had two terraces overlooking the surrounding views. There was not only something inherently sexy about the voyeuristic nature of it, but the place itself was inspiring. I wanted to briefly share a story about some birds though that lived with me.

The two terraces were located on both ends of the apartment. Respectively, one was a part of my bedroom, and the other connected to the living room. I hardly ever went to the living room, but my bedroom terrace was sacred territory. One day, my terrace got incredibly noisy, and I thought I was being burglarized. Low and behold, I was having a visitor, a pigeon. Now, where I come from, regardless of how peripatetic I am, pigeons are considered to be flying rats, vermin, sometimes eaten, and of course I came to the same assumptions. It came and visited everyday. Days became weeks, and finally I realized it began nesting under my chairs I kept outside. First of all there was the hygiene part, no one wants an unwanted animal visitor nesting so close to where you spend your evening hours, but I wasn't going to hurt it in anyway. We tried to shoo it away but it kept on coming back. Eventually, I learned to live with it, and the pigeons had apparently laid eggs as well, and this was its gestation period. The eggs were going to be little birds, and what could I possibly do?

My mother was visiting for a bit and I was away on lecture when she called me in a panic.

"peawok, the pigeons had such an exciting day today. I was sweeping the balcony when I got too close to the little family that the mother flew off onto the trees across the road. The stronger of the baby birds though flew with its mother, while the other one fell off the balcony onto the street!"

I was living on the 3rd floor of a 5 story building, but I guess to a little bird, it is high regardless.

"the mother bird was clearly in stress, it kept on flying back down to its child nudging it with its little head to get it to fly up. After a few cars passed, the mother finally got the baby to fly up into the tree to join its other sibling. And eventually came home under your chair. I was so relieved. Oh peawok, it was just so mortifying to see that. Quelle stress!!"

At the time, I brushed it off as silly, but since the years have past, I came to realize how significant something like that can be. These creatures looked out for one another and were left to their instincts. I question how many people come to mind that really look out for one another in my life? We might have the right intentions, but survival seems to be last thing on our minds. How terrible it would be if were put in the same situation as the little bird family. I'll just leave it at that for today.

the pumpkin queen

long lunch

i'll paraphrase it. long lunches are by far my favourite activity between two people. my friends, always say dinner is the main meal with the most expectations, but with lunches, it can last the whole day, and go onto dinner, and to second dinner if interesting enough. those everlasting, never-ending conversations are by far worth it. one of my dearest friends Brains, who i seemingly mention every post, always have these LONG meals that go on and on; we're not always together, and our conversations will carry over the phone, emails, in person, or in texts, for hours upon days. In short, I genuinely believe that when you can experience a silence with someone that isn't uncomfortable, then its just the best.

these past couple of months, i have to admit has been a collection of positives, excess, and some negatives and disappointments, but mostly the former two. disappointment is something that everyone experiences and of course i've had my list of them, but i wanted to share a moment during long lunch that i had recently. A lot of people I have spoken to have been experiencing these extremities,and when bad things happen it seems and its just happening to you specifically. sometimes trouble comes in seemingly endless amounts and it comes an excess.

SB: "peawok, what are you doing to stay so positive everyday? life sucks."
peawok: "oh i've been seeing a psych-..."
SB: "a psych...what meds are you on?"
peawok: "no PSYCHIC"
SB: "oh.."

I see someone that "guides" me into having a clearer vision about life, and it really has helped, and my point isn't that everyone needs to see a medium, but it is so important to surround yourself with positive influences that do not hurt you in anyway. i entered a house full of disappointments and burdens the other day, and it fell onto my shoulders and brought me some sort of physical tension and pain. "you have to get out of this" i thought to myself. why fuss over it and let them bring you down in that way. i've been definitely feeling this negative sense of self entitlement but instead exudes more of lack of confidence in a lot of people, and maybe its where we are in the world now, i don't know. it manifests into our physical world and hurts us and all those negative people just gravitate towards each other and cause chaos. in the end just have a long lunch with Brains.

team peawok

There comes a time in everyone's life when they realize what reliability means to them. For myself, I only recently learnt what that is.

I've never been big on birthdays. Perhaps for more practical reasons, it had to do with the fact that i was born in the summer and none of my friends were ever in town, or I was constantly traveling or was it because all those things we ought to desire as a child on your birthday always just fell into place every other day than the actual birth-date. When it came around to planning this year, i wanted to celebrate for once but so many questions came to mind. Finally this year, i was going to have more than 3 people. The one question that was most prevalent was "WHO can I rely on come?" The restaurant had a 20 person minimum but who at the end of the day has 20 real genuine friends? I can think of 5 I can rely on anything for, 10 is pushing it, and I'm fortunate enough to be able to list enough to fit on as many fingers that I have (let me clarify that that doesn't mean I have 10 fingers). Long story short, I first made a list of 15 people, and finally shortened it to an effective set of 8, and it couldn't have been more perfect.

These past couple of months have been a constant flux of mental consultations, and self reflections. And the past week, I witnessed first hand how memories cannot be tarnished by time and impractical thoughts. I was at a family gathering (rare also) and though it happens only every couple of years, some only get together every decade, it brought me great pleasure and it was a privilege to see that their positive memories were all they could see in one another. It was instinctual, inherit, and most importantly, loyal.

This week was brought to a close by a very productive meeting with my team. I call it the team, Team Peawok, because i know it is a very close and trusted network of individuals who can always be there for each other; I have come to an understanding that I have at least 3 available sets around the world and I am so lucky for that. I only say it like this because those that know me personally, know i understand everything better when i can organize the situation into a particular category. It in dividing these things into a clear taxonomy then can i see the value of each person and in the right context and setting they are placed in. I wish everyone to try and see who their "team" is. In my personal team members heads, they may refer to it as Team Kongo, or Team Brains, or Team CBC, and I don't possess them in any nature other than the fact that our existence is solely to support each others development. This summer, when i had the ability to reflect over my thoughts, i came across old friends again, who are all seemingly going through a similar transition in their mental existence. It may have to do with the age that we are in, I cannot be too sure, but finding that right team was the correct decision for this path. A friend of mine, whom, i'll introduce as D, came back into my life recently, and we've been spending a lot of time together. He shared his insight on what we are missing, and I greatly value his secrets.

D's secret was this:
"With all our advances in communications, informations, and technology, the one thing we lack is social interaction. But so what if i text or make a habit of never leaving my house weeks upon ends? I am aware of that, but the secret is to ENGAGE yourself with others. Maybe its a positive achievement that we are on guard when it comes to letting each other in because we can see it as a valuable lesson. When we need to lean on someone the feeling is genuine. Peawok, just ENGAGE yourself and you'll see."

We push and shove one another at our worst moments. I said the other day to someone, "oh i love to press buttons" when talking about my blackberry. He replied, "I can interpret that in so many ways." God forbid, he wasn't thinking about the same buttons i was talking about, but I found the observation to be quite interesting and has been possessing my thoughts. So the bottom line is this, we need to preserve the genuine hearts in our lives. All this personal drama and trouble we cause for one another, admittedly, I do it myself, is not worth losing a smile from your other team members.

Engage yourself.

familiarity

there was a festival outside my window this weekend, and the children that lived across the street were dancing on their beds. this reminds me of the bliss we can all experience through each others company and not taking our existence for granted. it doesn't matter where we are in the world, when we are balanced we will find each other. i genuinely believe in the fact that every person that comes into your life is there for a reason. while getting up this morning, i put on a sweater that hadn't been worn in ages. that whiff of scents that was residing in the fabric brought with it a resurrengnce of memories that i thought i had disappeared.

Dawn + Soup

a couple days ago, i attended a luncheon with some remarkable people.
one of them was an incredible poet who later gave me her book.

here are some lines from her book

清辰永远牵不到黄昏的手
彼此间却有着永恒的期待

dawn never holds the hand of dusk -
there is an eternal expectation between them.


**********************************************************************

i haven't been able to discuss what i've been eating because nothing has really stuck out at me. i mean granted i'm in the land of sweet and sour pork, and peking duck, but i haven't been AMAZED yet.

Okay thats a lie, i have been amazed. I attended a late lunch at this place called Green T House, an oasis in the middle of farm and construction zone. And what they did have a Tom Yung Kung soup. Normally i prefer the seedy place down the street where you literally see the bugs crawling out of the kitchen, and i am 80% sure they just let them crawl straight back into the darker coloured dishes and serve them. but this Green T place would never do that. Not only were the ceramics of every person's bowl different (i later had the priviledge, and strictly by coincidence, went to her studio to see how she works), the soup had enough lime flavour to it to not have the shrimp and clammy seafoodness overpower it. The hint of coconut as well was just a hint.

Post pics soon!

Lions

(Originally written September 23, 2009)

I spent about an hour in the feeding cage of the big cat department at the zoo yesterday. There were so many things to observe other than the obvious: their living situation, how it was florescent lit, the lack of circulating air. It was a prison more or less. Everything was grey, green and it smelled of meat and shit and hay.

Though being in the presence of these incredible creatures, was something very special, I was standing in the centre of the room surrounded by the largest species of cats in existence, watching them eat. Lion, Siberian tigers, white tigers, jaguars, some lynx all together in one room. At least 20 different ones surrounded me gnawing at meat roaring at each other. There’s something inherently sexy and attractive about these massive animals. And despite their living situations, and although their dignity has been stripped away from them, they exuded a type of confidence and an instinctual quality that so many of go one in life searching for. They could be in any situation in a prison and still just BE.

Of course I couldn’t tell what they are roaring each other. I could make the assumption that it was about hunger, but I’d like to think it was something complicated. I felt this sense of camaraderie and respect they had for each other. And if for a moment I thought what chaos it would bring if I let them all out. That little shock may be what we need. We are constantly under the gaze of what others think or see, or basically how everything is HYPER observed. But is that good for us? Look at how miserable the lions are. We know too many words, descriptive terms, we can classify everything, separate them into categories, and put everything in its apparent correct place but it is what we need in life? I really hope not. After all who wants to be a huge lion stuck in a cage at the end of the day.

The Two Cs

There's something about the two Cs that always put a smile on my face. CLAMS + COCONUTS

i go to this small place in China town that i have personal history with. I believe it was my father who started working there as a busboy when he first came to America. The food that day was so-so, so i will not put it on the list but here are some things that have entered my belly in recent days.

BROILED SWORDFISH ATOP OF BED OF HARICOT VERT
BEET AND CUCUMBER SALAD
QUICHE LOREN
YOYOS - A CORNBREAD MUFFIN STUFFED WITH CHEESE AND YOU INDIVIDUALLY DIP THEM INTO SYRUP

over the weekend, i attended a relatively quiet dinner party. everything seemed to have the same theme: GRILLED at times i think to myself: what did i ever do to get to eat these things? No fried food this weekend thats for sure, and maybe thats why i had nightmares because of the lack of fried chicken

at the Grilled Dinner on Rooftop i'll refer to it from now as GDR, we had one of the two Cs: Clams. The clams were simply put on the grill until they opened up. I think my favourite clams are still cherry stone. They are huge, but full of the ocean flavours that bring such a huge smile of satisfaction to my face every time. After the clams, we ate some of the grilled vegetables that included carrots, corn, squash, asparagus, portobellos.

Okay, the meal was beautiful to look at and you could taste all the flavours perfectly. of course my favourite was the Clams. You can't go bad with clams really because its either they are just ROTTEN or they just WORK, and a large clam makes a peawok very happy. Quail has its natural flavours that drip from their little bodies and the meat was tender. My only critique was this: There was no butter used! I know there are alternate products: olive oil, pam, etc but i really believe the secret to life is Butter. Well Butters and the two Cs.










I also wanted to include another image from a meal that I made in the spring time. it was not GDR but inside the kitchen instead!

everyone look UP

Walking home this evening was supposed to be uneventful until i looked up into the sky and saw these two lights beaming into the clouds with at least 300 or more fireflies going through the lights. Something that always touches me is seeing an incredible feat; experiencing human resilience is such a privilege.

i spent the day with an artist that i had worked with in the past. its so interesting to me how we all eventually cross paths with each other, that is, if it was meant to happen. he even said to me "i didn't expect this to turn out the way it was going to be."

An old friend of mine and I were laying in her empty apartment the other afternoon. She said to me "peawok, wouldnt it be lovely, if we could just watch the ceiling all day and not have to worry in life?" I know its tempting, but i had to disagree. its such an extreme emotion and expectation to only want that. the lack of balance makes these wonderful fantasies feel so great. My point is this though: Do we need these extremes in our lives? Saying you're bored is still an extremity in itself as well right?

On another note, Brains called me "Baby Venus" the other day because my i apparently don't break hearts, but always have my heart broken. So am I then a "Baby Persephone" instead?

evian is naive backwards!

my brother taught me that years ago, i guess every one knows that by now. so i'm such a great mood lately. there must be something in the air. I had a weekend of ONLY fried chicken! On sunday, i attended a dinner party that requested for food that you grew up with. My friend brought pineapples, because he was from Hawaii, and i brought.. Donuts..two dozen assorted dunkin donuts.i mean for myself, anything would be easy so long as it had to do with mass american chain food restaurants. i do not need Ladurée, the Atelier, or Bouley to bring me pleasure. though those are my favourite places..

there were a bunch of dogs sniffing each others butts at the park this weekend, and i began to think. How would our relationships be if we just treated each other like a bunch of dogs? "You sniff, i sniff, No Thank You or Lets be friends" how simple would life be? No complex situations, no awkward conversation, no denouement or climax necessary, no feeling bad or guilty... Just wag your tail, show some teeth. the end. the point is this: we make our relationships so much more complex than they really deserve to be. our taught, beautiful skin, long necks, and glossy hair does not deserve this type of stress on it.

fried chicken at KIPS BAY

as a connoisseur to anything fried, i take great pride in knowing where there is fried chicken in any city that i am in. KIPS BAY is one of only cinemas in NY that has not only fried chicken, but curly fries, hot dog bites, corn dogs, hot dogs (its labeled 2000 calories), and those wonderful ice cream sandwiches with two cookies. oh god.

so tonight i went there to see a movie, just like most evenings, and i tried the fried chicken there, it wasn't so yummy, neither were the curly fries.

on the way over though, i killed this huge mosquito that was pestering everyone on the train. the rather plump lady across from me was trying to kill it too, and when she saw my hand was all bloody, she took out a dunkin donuts napkin from her napsack, so i could clean myself off. Isn't the world wonderful? she wore a t-shirt that said LIBRA on it. she seemed like a wonderful being. I kept on thanking her.

Also, i'd like to just point out one of my favourite quotes from Brains:
"peawok sometimes, you're just so good. not like a good person. but just GOOD" o_o

dead bee

incredible right?

lovely day right?

I just spent the last 2 hours or so with a truly great person. We don’t speak that much but have a mental connection. She sends me imagery through her hands and I receive the messages and "see" them through my brain. It’s a little crazy, I know I have to admit. She doesn’t really do anything exactly, but just picks up the pieces that have been displaced and realign them.

At the beginning I felt like a huge balloon, with long legs floating around, looking for things to fill up my head with. I have to say, that I would much rather have my whole body hurt than my head. Your head and your feet are the closest physical attributes we have that will connect us, and it is so important to have those things in balanced at all times. What was bizarre this time, was the amount of imagery that I saw; over analyzing is an understatement of what I’ve been doing. Little things, lack of manners, no please or thank you, not acknowledging goodnight, good morning would be the end of me. Its hard to visualize this without sound facts, I know, but when we're aligned, I can feel every message and we speak without making a noise. When she touched, I said outloud, "do you feel how much tension there is?” and she said “yes. You’re head is twitching!!!" Constant worry and fantasy, impracticality, isn't a nice feeling. People you invest time with should make you feel great about your existence, and be fully aware of that. It should just be balanced, happy and unhappy, no one over the other.

This awful image of black clouds with wagging tongues and teeth and a single horn looming plagued me. It was above my sleep, above my door, followed me everywhere. But It was washed away by waves and pure sounds, and as I felt a burst of light, and my knees started to shake. The amount of anxiety was terrible, and the anticipation as it arrived was consuming, but as it entered from the bottom of my spine through my heart to my head, my mental vision was spinning, and as it reached her hands that were connected to my head, I opened my eyes and gasped for air, and all I could see were open fields, and forests, and I could smell wild flowers, and orange triangles floating around. I saw these things with my eyes open, I saw the black dots slowly reside and leave.

She said to me, “Something numbed you and it just manifested in that dark matter and you’re imbalanced completely from that, not allowing anything to pass your head to the rest of body. You mean so well in what you’re doing, but remember that every person you meet, relationships, friendships, strangers, it is so complex and intricate that what you’re doing, even if its out of love, and care, can be portrayed as the antithesis to the other. Focus on being relaxed, feeling this way is a state of mind that not everyone can achieve on a day-to-day basis. You feel so bad when something happens and you shouldn’t because its hurting you, and when you’re hurt nothing is achieved.”

I questioned, “Is my relaxed state, this idea of happiness manufactured now? I mean I definitely do not have trouble verbalizing what I feel or retaining information but its not connecting and making sense of it is trouble. Its like everything is AHHHHH when it should be “what’s the problem, lets deal with it.” Sort of thing.”

“Those blissful images I’ve sent you is what you should feel everyday. Not that nasty black cloud of monster. It's gone. Believe that. Everything will be okay."

When I opened my eyes, I waited for about 10 minutes before I verbally said anything.
“did you say something?”
She replied “No what did I say?”

bad month

this is all some sort of test right? fate has something for everyone, and I cannot bear to be so pessimistic, but at a certain point it just makes me incredibly angry.

i've been in bed for the past week, mostly because i've been sick, but in that time i thought about my existence greatly: it is worth all this trouble? what is more confusing is how my body responds to it. my head hurts so much all the time, and it might just be a physical manifestation of all things bad happening at once, and they have to expelled some how. I don't know, i refuse to loll over a subject that i know shouldn't be of great importance.

anyhow, i got some great photos that i can finally post up.

my friend and i went to bingo the other night, and we came across an amazing car accident. i laid on top of it, and it was so perfect. though i made the mistake of doing the same on a pile of garbage, and the garbage leaked all over my back.

the point is this: we try so hard to get rid of excess and clean ourselves from our own filth and garbage, but why does it always resurface? is there a point to get rid of it in the first place?

closer

i just read that play Closer. Oh god. i love the dialogue
here are my fave quotes. i'm drawn to this character Alice a lot. how GOOD is she!?
these four lines can be applied to so many things in our lives. by ours, i mean you and the country's

Alice: Show me. Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it, I can't feel it. I can hear it, I can hear some words but i can't do anything with your easy words.

Alice: His big thing at the moment is how upset his family are. Apparnetly, they all worship you, they can't understand why you had to ruin everything. He spends hours staring up my arsehole like there's going to be some answer there. Any ideas, Anna?

Alice: Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off. But its better if you do."

Alice: That's the most stupid expression in the world. "I fell in love" - as if you had no choice. There's a moment, theres always a moment; i can do this, i can give in to this or i can resist it. I dont know when your moment was but i bet there was one...No, I chose him, I looked in his briefcase and I found this...sandwich...and I thought, "i will give all my love to this charming man who cuts off his crusts." I didn't fall in love. I chose to...."

with greatest affection,
peawok

ISNT IT JUST SO GOOD, STRAPPING, AND INAPPOPRIATE?

OK SO I HAVENT REALLY BEEN EATING TODAY
SOME PPL CAME OVER TODAY, AND WE HAD SOME TEA AND I HAD ABOUT A HANDFUL OF BLUEBERRIES

I WAITED AND WAITED AND WAITED TILL ABOUT 9PM TO FINALLY EAT SOMETHING ELSE BUT WE HAD THE FOLLOWING

GRILLED PORTOBELLO MUSHROOMS
ORZO, TOMATO, CUCUMBER, AND CORN SALAD
SCHWEPPS RASPBERRY GINGER ALE

and now i'm still starving because vegetables never fill up your stomach and they are digested so quickly.

now with more important stuff: what does bliss feel like? Brains please respond. i know you have the answer

so much to discuss

i feel like i have totally missed out on documenting
i'm just recalling the time i recently needed to visit blue ribbon for my miso butter fix, and ate and ate and ate a meal for 3, but dined only for 1.
Dee, the waitress, said to me "wow you're hungry" and while i was texting a friend of mine to join me, i finished my epic meal. As i walked out, he wrote me back finally, and joined me.

"i'm hungry for sushi" he said. "want to go back?"

"to the same restaurant?" i replied

"yes"

we walked back in, and they said "are you hungry again ALREADY"

key issues

lets talk about a key issue that have 'bean' happening in my life. i think i have discussed this in previous entries before, but its so hard to find someone to have lunch with on a regular basis. the key is to find someone with a similar palette or is willing to try new things. my friend said to me the other day, "peawok, all you do is lunch. whenever i talk to you, you respond by saying "sorry i'm just lunching" or "i'm off to a late lunch. is that all you do?" YES. AT THE MOMENT

but lunch is so much more fun than dinner. with dinner you have so many expectations that could remain unfulfilled, and lunch, is easier to make casual business transactions for example. anyway enough. i hope i get to go to OG today, but we'll see

and i did this the other night.
i'm really into this music thing suddenly

things have "bean" ok

I'M QUITE PLEASED WITH THE PURCHASES I HAVE MADE WITHIN THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS. I JUST GOT HOME AFTER A DAY OF LOOKING FOR FURNITURE AND PICKED UP A HUGE BOOKCASE, A METALLIC SILVER CARPET, A THICK PINK WOOL CARPET, AND A PINEAPPLE PLANT. NOW I JUST HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO READ!!!!

THINGS HAVE BEEN A LITTLE BITTERSWEET IN PEAWOKS WORLD. I HAVE BEEN EATING QUITE WELL AS OF LATE, AND SOMEHOW MANAGED TO LOSE 5 POUNDS IN THE PROCESS, BUT I'M A LITTLE SAD BY THE DEPARTURE OF BRAINS...BRAINS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING AND MOVED ELSEWHERE FOR THE TIME BEING, AND SPENDING MY LONESOME SELF AT HOME WITHOUT HER PHONE CALLS MAKES ME QUITE UPSET.

HERE ARE SOME OF THE MEMORABLE DISHES I HAVE EATEN FOR THE COUPLE OF WEEKS

VIETNAMESE BOUILLABAISSE
VIETNAMESE SPRING ROLLS
HANGER STEAK
NECTARINE SOUFFLE
PASTA SALAD WITH TRUFFLES & PROSCIUTTO
BRAISED CRAB IN CHICKEN BROTH AND 'YI MIEN'
BROILED SQUAB ON A BED OF BROCCOLI RABE
BAKED CHILEAN SEA BASS SIMMERED IN A CHORIZO BROTH WITH CLAMS AND BROCCOLI RABE
PEKING DUCK
OCTOPUS SALAD
SOFT SHELL CRAB SANDWICHES
GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES MADE WITH TRUFFLE OIL
FISH, CHICKEN, BEEF TACOS

+ AND LOTS OF LOVE

we're back

okay so ladies and gentlemen, ive pulled moskigo out of hiatus and decided to finally write again
im very excited to relaunch this venture
xoxoxooxx peawok